Ya know, I never believed much in mercury retrograde so this weird idea of my star sign (LEOS RISE UP!!) being told big changes are coming I called bullshit and thinly accused people of attacking me based on my star sign but whewwww mercury got me the fuck together the last few weeks and my comfortable life is NOT comfortable anymore…at all
I guess I should come out and say it, I am moving out of the apartment I created a home in for the last 6ish years - the home I created with my spouse, the home that has housed my GREATEST heartbreak and pain while also capturing my highest of highs, I am also losing the two animals that mean the absolute world to me and in a way I feel like I am losing big chunks of myself and I can’t seem to find the wound to stop the bleeding. I have begun the ridiculous task of packing up SIX YEARS of my life and shipping them off to a destination I haven’t lived in in almost 10 years. I am also going through everything I have owned the last few years and editing down what I need to keep and what I need to do away with BUT this entire situation has made me reevaluate who I am and what I truly care about. Why am I so afraid to admit that the way the economy is set up that living alone is not sustainable — paying EIGHTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH (for 675sqft) IS INSANITY and maybe just maybe, moving back home is a minor setback that prepares me for the biggest comeback? I don’t know, honestly I am not that much of a positive patty about my life right now but I am hopeful that once I move and get myself settled in I won’t feel so lost and out of sorts.
This situation has also allowed me to wake up and smell the sour grapes. There is a reason this is happening and its simply because life is forcing me to wake up and take control of my life and happiness and tackle it WHILE ALSO SAVING MONEY - cutting back on the amount of expenses I have and knocking the biggest one out of the way makes complete sense.
I finally announced my life change on tiktok (here) and whew do I finally feel a sense of freedom to know that its out there. This past weekend I also started to move my books over the house and take off the YEARS worth of decorations in my bedroom to prep it for paint! Shoutout to Justin (high school bf) because I had wayyy too many love notes dedicated to him on the walls LOL. Anyways! There is some albeit low level of excitement within me about starting fresh/starting over while also some sense of fear as well. The fear of failure is WILD. Failure is obviously subjective but for me, moving back home feels like I am regressing and I think its because I care too much what people think of me. My goal for this season of my life is to just adjust, work and save while also allowing space to find enjoyment.
Talk soon,
B.