TB (fcking) H: My family was my first heartbreak...PART 1 =]
LOL, who knew therapy could begin healing my broken inner child..lets discuss
Hi, I am Breana, a woman with deeeeeply rooted mommy, daddy and sibling issues and sat with my therapist to figure out how the way my family showed up for me manifested in the way I searched and “found” the love I assumed I deserved. Grab a snack because this might be a long one…
I was 10 when my dad forgot to show up after he promised. I was 13 when I screamed at my big sister at the big sister club that no one loved me except my middle school boyfriend and I wanted to spend the summer with him so he didn’t forget me. I was 15 when my sister pinned me against her wall because I had lost the plot and blacked out while yelling at my cousin, I was 16 when the guy I thought was hitting on me told me he was my older brother and the dad I thought was mine, wasn’t. I was 21 when I got married thinking I had found my one true love. I was 30 when it all came crashing down.
My first heartbreak was my father Ralph. Ralph taught me some valuable life lessons - hard ones but valuable. He taught me that not everyone is meant to stay in your life regardless of familial connection. He had shattered my heart completely by 13 and I don’t know if I had ever truly pieced it back together until very recently. He taught me that no matter how much you love someone they will find a way to disappoint you and the only thing you can do is pick up the pieces and keep it moving. I have found a way to forgive Ralph because he’s dying (or so he says…) I forgive him for making children he had no desire to parent, for teaching his daughters and son that fatherly love is not something to count on. I know when he dies because he will, I will let it hurt and then I will move on because when I was 13 I realized Ralph would be my most painful lesson until I turned 30.
I was sitting on my therapists couch recently as we dove in and broke down the ways I view love and how my parental figures were my first lessons. My mom struggled with allowing herself to be vulnerable enough to show us love because of her relationship with her own father and we paid the price. Lets dive into the next love…
I fell in love at 15 with a hockey playing white boy who had game on and off the ice (LOL!) and I had no fucking clue what to do with that kind of love. I just knew I needed him in a way a junkie needs their fix. I wanted all the love I could get out of him because he made we feel whole…the funny part about relying on a person to make you feel whole is when shit hits the fan - self sabotaging becomes second nature. J was a good man, a phenomenal man who was always meant for someone else but for the 6 years we were with each other that time harbors some of my biggest regrets.
My therapist sat and listened as I broke down my dumpster fire of a high school relationship and why I wasn’t ready for the kind of love he was willing to give and she reminded me that love had always felt more like a transaction and less like a sustainable way to live. She asked the hard questions, “when was the first time you felt whole?” Easy, with him. “When was the first time you saw a life for yourself?” Easy, with him….my first high school boyfriend offered me a sense of stability that only a 14 and 16 year old could BUT it was the first relationship that showed me the value of unconditional love in someone so broken.
J set the tone for the next one. Daryl. See, Daryl told me he was my dad and at 16 that just doesn’t make sense. I had already packed up my abandonment issues with Ralph, (or so I thought) that having to unpack them and figure out where Daryl fit into this narrative made my skin crawl. Daryl showed me what love with conditions was. He was a villain in my story and yes, maybe I made him out to be that but he never made it easier. He was the “parent” who when asked to help made you jump through hoops to get it, need a new computer for college? Maybe. Can’t graduate without coming up with $1800? Ask someone else. On the verge of losing everything you hold close to you without some assistance? I’ll get back to you. In a toxic work environment and needing to get out but also needing someone to vent to? “Well, I had it worse.” And then when you checked off every, single thing in your way because you always do..its, “I knew you could do it.” Yes, in spite of you I did it. Our relationship…or lack of one was like a kid who was told from the jump they were the problem trying find that fatherly love in someone who had no desire to give it. Daryl is an enigma and I don’t know if that is a good thing - he reminds me of someone who needs to see you beg for it before he is willing to part with it and he consistently reminds me that the love I yearn for is one without hoops to be jumped through to deem me worthy of it.
D made it easier for C. You see, C met me when I was 20 almost 21, still figuring out my high school relationship while also trying to figure out who I was and where I was going. I was vulnerable and bloodthirsty for a love that felt like an escape and C gave that to me…which is why its not surprising I married him. Often people ask if I have any regrets getting married so young and knowing what I know now, the answer is no and I’ll tell you why…in the next installment of this newsletter.