My Dad Died. A Substack on Grief.

I'VE GOT A TEXXXXT. About death.

My mom is a talk to text kind of girl so her messages end up a jumbled mess that I occasionally have to decipher and read aloud to make sure I am getting all the information correct. The message read, “I just got a call from your aunt pookie, your dad passed”. I had been drinking so the next few comments were a mixture of what the fuck and holy shit my dad is dead. I laughed, I sobbed like a baby and then I realized that the last thing I ever told him was that I hated him…

I was drunk on pain and anger, lashing out at the one man I needed to never disappoint me and of course, he did. It was as if 30+ years of abandonment and sadness came spilling out of my mouth and my self righteousness couldn’t get myself to swallow it. I felt relieved when it was over, as if I could finally breathe because one of the many men who hurt me FINALLY allowed me the space to say it EVEN when it hurt him. I hung up thinking, ‘eh if we never speak again, good fucking riddance’. And now, we’ll never speak again and it’s not good fucking riddance, it’s wishing I could redo that day over and unsay those words. It’s as if all the pain and anger I let spill has multiplied and now I’m drowning in it. Im drowning in pain but theres so much guilt and sorrow packed in because I don’t hate him, I never really did.

Death is cruel but inevitable, and sometimes people die before we can make peace with them so maybe this is my first step. Wherever my dad is, I hope he knows that I didn’t truly hate him, he had broken my heart so many times that hate felt safer than loving someone who wasn’t healthy enough to love me back. I hope he knows that I am now safe and fully loved. I am almost whole, I’m just missing a piece where he should be but eventually the pain will get easier to carry and one day down the road, I’ll be able to tell myself that he knew that I loved him even if my final words said different. Hurt people, hurt people. That was the harshest lesson I ever learned from him…life sure came at us fast.