Mama I'm NOT In Love: With The Struggle of Adult Friendships.
Recognizing I have played a large role in my friendship break ups and figuring out where we go next.
A couple of months ago I came across a TikTok by Mayte and it was about this sense of reckoning when she realized during the early stages of the pandemic that she didn’t have a “tribe” and instead she was more like a tier 2 or tier 3 friend - more of an afterthought, a friend you invite in case there is an opening but not the first person you think of. I remember sending it to my cousin and saying, “this is me”. While I tacked on the customary LOL at the end so she assumed I was joking I was really taking stock in what tier I would put myself in, in anyones life really and it was eye opening, cringeworthy and fucking hell.
I am not a tier for anyones friendship because I stopped showing up for them in all capacities and instead of people holding space for me, they moved on. And that is MY issue and something I am unpacking and working through. It took me a long time to look past my selfishness when it came to friendships and to acknowledge the pain I caused myself because of my choices and now here I am, speaking into this space to share my thoughts and hopefully someone else can see where i’m coming from.
I had the greatest best friend ever in high school, we were so similar and I would jokingly say we were like frick and frack, where one went, the other wasn’t far behind and instead of holding that friendship sacred and like all high school girls do at some point we let some unattractive man get between us. That friendship breakup felt like death and there are moments where I think back on it and wish it had all happened so differently and if I reached out today would it be received well? But I am also reminded how different our lives are now and it brings me happiness that she is happy.
That friendship breakup was the first relationship I spoke about in therapy - the first relationship I described as a death in my life even though the person was still very much alive, just not alive in my world anymore and just writing about it hurts still because ugh, I would go back and try harder to fix it all but now its a relationship demise I use as a learning experience. I used to joke that breakups were hard but friendships breakups take hard to another level!
The whole plot point of this newsletter was to really dig into the idea of relearning how to make friends as an adult, and opening myself up again. I really want to find my tribe, a group of women I can travel, read books and go out to dinner with. How did you make friends as an adult? I am open to all suggestions!
PS - be on the lookout for the next newsletter where I am dropping some book recs - the darker the better!