I Was Afraid of the Dark.

Now I sit next to it like an old friend who has come home to claim me.

Fun fact: Growing up I was afraid of the dark. Yeah, I was that kid who used to turn the lights out and run up the stairs to my bedroom as if it was a game of who would succumb to the darkness first. What I didn’t know was that the darkness would end up becoming one of my closest friends - or enemies depending on who you’re asking.

During my recent therapy session we had an extensive conversation about RADICAL honesty and telling the truth. Looking back on our conversation I realized that growing up the concept of telling truth has always been shaky as hell for me, I grew up in a house where the truth depending on who was telling it didn’t really matter that much but if it wasn’t the truth the adults in charge wanted it wasn’t to be believed. Now, it’s all anyone wants. Tell the truth Breana, even if it hurts. Well, you asked for it.

How truthful do people really want me to be? How do I tell people who are asking something as simple as, “how’s your head been lately?”. Do I tell you without crying that living has become so unbearable that I often dream about a life that doesn’t include me in it. Or do I tell you that the darkness I have spent years out running has finally caught up to me and I can’t seem to shake it loose or deep down I’m not sure I even want to? Can I tell you that my darkness and I have become best friends and I am enjoying watching it slowly drown me because the pain is beginning to ease?

How comforting is that honesty for you? I bet it leaves you feeling uncomfortable doesn’t it. My life is good, great even - to those looking quickly but if someone stops and takes a closer look they’ll be able to see the secrets I can’t seem to hide. I have been through some of the most debilitating pain and somehow managed to come out on the other end of it and yet, I still think about how easy it would be to accept a date with death and arrive beautifully dressed and on time.

So, here I am, dressed in black and right on time and yet….I am not ready to surrender.