I Don't Fear Being Alone Anymore.
As Bane said, 'Ah you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it.'
From the subject line of this substack you would be wise to guess I am about to speak about The Dark Knight…you are correct and honestly speaking, I would let Tom Hardy and Christian Bale absolutely run a train on me and call me Thomas *choo choo*. Before we get real off topic and I get too caught up in my train ride let’s dive into the topic of being a party of 1.
The last, last newsletter I sent out was me working through my grief AND joy - grief that my marriage unraveled and joy because my sister got the biggest blessing she ever wanted, a baby! I have been at a loss for words lately. I am in this weird space of living and enjoying everything this life has to offer while also nervous about what comes next. I am inching further into my thirties which in the grand scheme of things is still relatively young but I am also in this weird space of asking myself, “ok, what’s next?”
When it comes to my sister there is a theme that keeps popping up and on the hard days growing stronger before I am reminded that what is for me, will be. I will freely admit that I am a jealous person and its something I consistently work at getting better at dealing with. I am not jealous of my sisters life, if anything I am proud as hell of the person she has become and the tiny human she created that reminded me that this life is worth experiencing. I am jealous of watching her experience the highs and lows of parenthood with joy and laughter. I always knew I wanted to be a mom AND wife, I always wanted that sense of security and stability and when it got snatched from me, I was jealous my sister was experiencing it instead.
On that day when my life was quite literally changed I felt like I lost two dreams in one fell swoop. Babies and love. However, when I really think about it now, I am only thirty fucking two, babies and a love story to end all love stories is still out there waiting for me if I allow myself the chance to grab it.
Sorry this is so short and sweet, I am trying to get back into the habit of writing again and struggling!