I Don't EVER Feel Deserving of the Good Things.

*knock knock* imposter syndrome...is that you?!

I have never felt quite deserving of the life I live but on the other hand I always felt deserving of the shittier hand I have been dealt. Invited to an amazing brand trip? Eh Breana, you don’t deserve that. Dumped and almost left homeless? DEF DESERVE THAT.

I recently sat in that ladies chair (i love my therapist lol) and we had a discussion on what its like to be constantly faced with imposter syndrome - to have good things happening and feel like you don’t deserve them or even questioning why someone would waste time on you?

If we’re getting into the nitty gritty of it, I would say it dates back to always feeling like the filler episode before the big finale, or the pit stop before the final destination has been reached. I have always felt like something to do but never something to keep. And the worst part is I have spent my entire life wanting someone to just keep me which is giving early Grey’s Anatomy days and while I have beef with Derek’s bitch ass (I was glad he got hit by the car) that scene where Meredith is begging him to choose her feels a little too real for me.

I have always been the one begging someone to stay, someone to love me just a little more. Allowing myself to cut large pieces of myself if it meant someone would stay long enough that I would eventually regenerate what was sacrificed. Is it abandonment issues? Yes. But really its me feeling like I have to audition for someone’s love and if it isn’t won then its not worth it - if my nervous system isn’t falling off a cliff then I don’t want it. Maybe the imposter inside of me doesn’t quite feel at home in her skin but how can I when I’ve spent a majority of my life terrified of sitting still because I’m too afraid to unpack and find out I don’t like myself much.