Mama,
Remember when you said, “I hope that man doesn’t dim your fire…that’s my favorite thing about you.” I hope you won’t be disappointed in me when I tell you that he stole a bit of my fire. I’m not burnt out but everyday I wonder how close i’m getting to it…I’m lost, stumbling a bit through life in hopes that I will land somewhere soft, somewhere that allows me the space to be this version of Breana - a little bruised but not quite broken. This moment makes me feel closer to you in a weird way, I’m reminded of my childhood and watching your heartbreak and how you healed. I can still picture the devastation of watching your husband leave and how resilient you were in the face of such agony and I hope to god I can lace up my boots and walk that same path at some point.
That fire is still burning inside of me mama but it’s a little dimmer. The fight is still there but its a little more tame. I look back at the last 10 years of my life and I’m broken, questioning why I wasn't enough, why I wasn’t worth loving and I am reminded often that what’s meant for me, will be.
I hope as I heal, I can be reminded how you never let the heartbreak and pain destroy you.
I will rise again mama…after all, my hero did.
PS - this was a previous journal entry right after I got my heart broken (Dec 2021). My fire is coming back and this version of Breana - she may be very bruised but she is not broken.
I love this so much ❤️ Beautifully written