So, I had therapy Wednesday night and between sobs and my constant companion of snot tissues (ew.) I was issued an assignment and well..the assignment was quite simple - tell the five year old version of yourself everything she needed to hear then, now. Oof. I can remember looking at my therapist with my head cocked to the side in a state of confusion and I said, “I can’t do that.” and she said, start there.
Dear Breezie,
I wish I could hug you and explain that the next couple of years are about to get hard, real hard. That between anger and sadness it’ll constantly feel like your life is ending and beginning and the vicious cycle will continue. Your heart will break and you will also break a few. Your mom will go to jail. Your uncle will die. Your dad will keep telling you that he’s coming and forget to show up. Your kinda older brother will die in a horrific way and that will taint the way you view the world for a bit. Your friendships will end and you’ll be left questioning why no one stays. You’ll also find out the man who has been disappointing you by never showing up might not even be your real dad. You will also try and kill yourself - and fail. You’ll get married to the person you thought was “yours”. You will go through a pandemic alone and scared and the most stable man who was a surrogate father will die. You will feel lost. You will feel isolated. You will contemplate ending your life again. Your marriage will deteriorate because he will explain to you that he does not love you anymore. You will pack up the apartment you made a home for seven years and move back home for a short while BUT you will be safe and loved. You will grieve within the walls that held all your firsts.
You will begin to unpack your trauma at the ripe age of 31 and it will be daunting and really fucking painful. You’ll suffer snotty nose and blotchy face syndrome more sessions than none BUT you will begin taking control of the one life you have to live. Your severe CPTSD and abandonment issues will be on display and instead of hiding from your therapist like normal you will allow it to bleed freely because this is how you heal. You will break. Over and over and over again. It won’t be pretty and most days you will grieve - the life you thought you wanted, the life you got to experience and the love you’ve lost along the way but the days will begin to get easier, you will begin laughing a little as you redecorate your childhood bedroom. You’ll breathe easier knowing you are going to get to spend more time with your parents who are aging, you will put the pieces back together - or at least work on laying the foundation of putting the pieces back together.
So baby bre, this version of you, wants you to know that healing isn’t linear and we’re a constant work in progress but we’re going to make it because we woke up asked for help. Life is going to throw you an insane amount of curveballs and you will miss many of them BUT you will learn from each and every one of them. And that safe, sheltered life you are dreaming of right now to escape the sadness you feel, the life with the white picket fence and two kids hasn’t happened yet but you didn’t fail at it. You just got a little off course but I have a sneaky suspicion that the 5 year old dream of family and stability will happen…just not at 22 like we thought.
I love you breezie and I am sorry that you will feel broken and never chosen but I choose you and I look forward to you healing the brokenness that childhood left you with.
Talk soon,
B.